Being misgendered is really painful.

So, recently I have had work, wont name the company because what I’m writing haven’t got anything to do with them, but a few colleagues. Well, and myself, a bit, for not speaking up, but I’ll explain why.

So, for 3 days, I have been working at a racecourse, I won’t say where, but I was working in the kitchens away from punters eyes and around a lot of staff. Most of whom, was misgendering me, constantly.

And I couldn’t say anything. Even when I tried I got talked over and it made it harder for me to speak up. Like I had a mental block and they just kept on talking, making a presumtion that I was a hetero male who wants kids and get married. They absolutly were closed minded about who I was as an individual and making automatic assumtions and made it difficult for me to speak up and tell them I’m nothing of the sort in their head.

Eventually I did get to tell one of them that I am a girl, not a guy on the last day. Yet, I still got misgendered, even been referred to as a “gentlemen” by one of those guys. The second day, which was also the first day being around a certain group for 2 days, was the worst. I felt like absolute crap, constantly misgendered and had either an anxiety attack or maybe was feeling very dysphoric, as this was hugely triggering. I didn’t think I’d ever get misgendered so badly it would happen all day, for I thought that it couldn’t hapen now, after being on HRT for 3 years, but I guess my voice or the dreaded beard shadow gives people a different perception of who I am. It felt like a massive wake up call for me, as I was taking it for granted that people saw me as a woman, yet, I was proven wrong at a workplace environment.

 

After leaving work on the second day and after talking to my girlfriend Alice on the phone, I cried. I cried after getting home and being held by Alice. I hadn’t felt so pathetic and dismissive by strangers before in my life and it really hurt so, so badly. I’m glad that hellish 3 days is over.

Don’t ask me if I had “the operation” and don’t call me “sir”!

Today I was at the charity shop that the lovely (sarcasm) Seetec and Jobcenter had sent me too. I’m on my second Friday out of 4 fridays there, and transphobia and misgendering happend.

Starting off first with some woman who I believe has MH issues, was trying to joke with me about “men wearing dresses”, I then stamered trying to tell her that it’s not ok to say things like that. Earlier she keeps on interupting me trying to have a chat with the lovely manager is well a couple of times which naturally I was a little annoyed about, but I digress.

Later on I was sitting by the till with another volutare and the inevitable happend.

“Have you had the operation yet?”

The ultimate thing a cis person can ask a trans person that makes the recipient feel very uncomfortable makes one wonder if this person who asks this has any boundries at all.

I tried to tell them that it’s not ok to ask that but as usual with cis people, they try to make an excuse. Their’s were “but there was this man on TV who…..” *brain switched off*

Yeah, very uncomfortable. It made me wonder why I had ever talked to this person.

Lastly, someone tried to call my phone up many times, only for them or me by accident, hung up. Well I managed to answer this one time and it was someone from my mobile phone operator. They were trying to get me topossibly part some cash a month on some new plan with a new sim card, all the while calling me “sir” even after I told them my name! AAAARRRRRGHHH!!!

You can bet i’m not going to take up their offer!

If these things in the charity shop happen again, I shall talk to the lovely manager (and she is very lovely) about what is happening, because I won’t put up with this crap! And neither should any other trans person who has or will be put in the same position as I have!

New location for the Serana Beta Podcasts

Due to the extreme limitations of Soundcloud, I will no longer upload my podcasts on there. However I have found a new, better place for my podcasts, PodOmatic. All 3 episodes that has been created are already available on there.  (There’s also a paypal donate button on there too, if you would like to donate through that instead of donating monthly on my Patreon.)

Hopefully I will have a guest on next weeks episode, so I hope you’ll be there for the next podcast, next Saturday. x

“Passing” and why it’s bollocks.

I don’t “Pass” as a female, and I don’t want too.

I’m trans and I don’t want to run away from the fact, I’ve spent too long in my life pretending to be a boy, but I don’t want to pretend that never happend, that I didn’t live my life as a boy. I did, reluctantly, lived like that even knowing that I was very uncomfortable looking like, addressed as and seen as male. But, that’s a part of my life story and trying to “pass” as female would be like trying to erase 20+ years of me being something else. Something I didn’t like, but still lived with it. Most trans people can’t live with that knowledge or being that gender they never was right now or in the past and that’s fine. But it’s why I don’t want to “pass” for a woman just to look ike a cis woman, I’m not, i’m trans and I’m not ashamed of the fact.

For trans people, to “pass” as female or male in society, means they’re accepted as that binary gender. But for many of us, it’s absolute crap, as it’s quite damaging to a trans persons confidence and self esteem to be told by a cis person that “you don’t pass for a man/woman”. It’s an absolute shit thing to tell a trans person and totally unecessary as some cis people may, by no fault of their own, look like the opposite gender! Also, for a lot of trans people, they have to “pass” to feel safe in many countries that are hostile to trans people, especially trans people of colour. That’s really quite sad, isn’t it? For many trans activists, trying to make society be more open to trans people is the top priority, but it is and has been a tough mountain to climb. Recently, Pink News recently put out a story that trans acceptance (or support) is on the rise in america, despite there still being many deaths of trans people, especially trans woman of colour, because many people still don’t accept trans people!

For the Non-binary, agender etc. trans people, they don’t want to “pass” as, or be, either male or female, and being told they “pass” as one or the other is also damaging to their self esteem and general confidence.

For me, as I already said, I don’t “pass” and I don’t want to. I don’t want to wear make-up everyday, I don’t want to always wear typically girly clothes. I still have facial hair and hair on my torso that I shave regularly out of disgust, not to “pass”. I like presenting androgynous but I don’t call myself gender queer or non-binary or whatever. I am female and I can wear whatever I want and if I don’t “pass”, fine. I don’t care what others ultimatly think about my choices in clothes, but I like showing off my new T-shirt or tank top or skirt, but I am who I am and other trans people are what they are. We don’t really care about passing as we’re not here to please the cis peoples ideas and viewpoints of what a trans woman or man should look like. I don’t do and wear to feel safe, I do and wear to make myself feel comfortable in my own skin and it’s the same for many trans people, wether they also do it to feel safe or not.

So basically, we don’t dress to appeal anyones idea of what a binary man or woman should look like. We just want to feel comfortable in our own skin. That s all. Everyone should respect that.

For my other works, I have a twitter account, a podcast, which has new episodes every Saturday morning, and a Patreon if you would like to support me monthly to keep me creating new content.

Thank you for reading this. x

Podcasting, more blogging and Patreon.

Hiya peeps.

For the best part of the last month or two, I have been planning to create and start a podcast (Which is called “The Serana Beta Podcast“)

The idea behind this podcast right now is for me to talk about various issues, news stories and anything else I want to talk about (a bit like this blog, really. But vocally). I also would like to try and have guests on here if possible. I now have a microphone that I will soon test out  that will be used for the podcast.

In addition to starting a podcast, I am also starting a Patreon, to help me financially while doing this weekly podcasts. If your a fan of my podcasts, blogging, vlogs or tweets, you can donate to me any sum of money to me if you want. You don’t have to, but I would be very grateful if you did.

On the subject of this blog of mine, I will try and use it again more often. I will probably try and blog about my visit to the Norwich Gaming Fest that has been happening all week and I will try and go to tomorrow and experience everything that is going on. From displays of retro games to carrer advice and talks from games developers and journalists.

I’m hoping I can stay motivated and pledges to support me through Patreon may help me in doing all these things. I hope I can be entertaining and informative for everyone. x

P.S. Podcasts to start next weekend. x

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