Changes

I love when things change naturally. When I’m not forcing myself or something else to change and let things evolve.

My last (nearly) 3 years of transitioning…. evolving…. has brough a lot of natual changes.

One of these being my move from the nest of my hometown to a near 3 hour drive up north to be with my girlfriend whom I adore and love so much. We may have difficult times together, but through love and understanding, we come to love each other more and more.

Another change is discovering new things within hobbies and fandom. Like discovering new favourites in wrestling and videogames. Right now while typing this I’m watching NJPW (New Japan Pro Wrestling) Wrestle Kingdom 10 and seeing old and new faces in wrestling that I wouldn’t see watching WWE and TNA all the Time.

Another change is Jobs. Currently looking for a new one since leaving last job after all my contracted days were up 2 weeks ago.

 

I’m now looking forward to what 2016 will bring in terms of my personal changes and evolving! xox

Self harming as a child and being bullied/abused.

Trigger Warning: descriptions of self harming and bullying/abuse in this post.

I have recently been around my sisters again and got a little drunk with her and mom and eating BBQ food, cooked on small cheap BBQ trays. The topic came to me being trans and then my childhood. And my sister had described some things that had happend that, some I don’t remember and some I did. Even mother don’t remeber some of the things that had happend and even, at the time, didn’t think much of it! (the abuse I reiceived)

So I’m going to describe what I had been told and use what little memory of certain things that had happend to me.

Firstly, I’m going to add a little, slightly irrelevant fact, I used to bite my nails for many years. I had bitten my nails so far back, it hurt. But this wasn’t that bad compared to what I did to myself when I was younger, around when I was a toddler or slightly older, not entirely sure when this happend.

So I had as a child at one point, picked one or both of my nipples so much. Apparently I thought it was a scab! I don’t know why I did that but I also do remember picking my fingers a lot and various wounds that I was always bleeding from them.

Now, I couldn’t remember why I was intent on ruining my body, but it could have been something to do with my early desire, early feelings of having the wrong body or being treated as the wrong gender at the time and wishing, literally praying, to wake up the next day with a female body (or, silly enough, have two tails just like the sonic the hedgehog character, Tails. Just so I could fly out of there).

Or the other reason I was self harming at such a young age could be the abuse/bullying of my (former) stepdad. I was also reminded by my sister what he did to me. I was forced to eat my dinner/breakfast/etc behind (to the side) of the TV. Whenever I peeked at the TV, he would throw a cushion at my head. He also had an attidude problem towards both of my sisters too. My sister whom I’m talking about now, tried to defend me and having an argument with him about his treatment towards me. Also, he was the kind of guy who thinks his word is law, and also he revealed in abusing cats and sometimes other people. He was a horrible man, not just to me but to others too. He did have/do some good qualities, but the bad he done always undid everything good he did.

Now, this much and more is what I was told plus my own memories point towards a combination of reasons why I was self harming at such a young age, this is something everyone should keep an eye on current and future children as they could be self harming for any kind of reason. Bullying, gender problems, abuse from step parents or other family memebers etc. If you or someone else notice these signs, an adult person should sit down with this child and talk to them and believe every word they say, because brushing anything they say aside will not help! Some kids, like I was at that one point, needs to be listend to and taken seriously! Nothing is more important than a childs happyness, more important then yours, an adult, because a happy child is one who will have a happy adult life and who wouldn’t want a happy, balanced adult life of more smiles and personal achivements these kids could look forward to down the road?

Lots of stuff happend.

Since my last blog post alot has happend and changed. Lost friends, gained new ones, had lots of job interviews but still unemployed, signed up to twitch to stream most of my gaming, trying to learn to code….. very slowly, getting gendered correctly and misgendered, going on a hospitality course for holiday inn (guaranteed job interview if passed!) and finally, my little break from twitter (which I shall be back on and tweeting before this is published on friday).

 

So, I think i’ll start with the gendering, while going around to places to hand in my CV, a number of times I had been misgendered, but one sticks in my head. This one was going to Clinton cards at the Castle Mall and the shop assistant at the till was the one to misgender me, but as she had brought over one of the managers to mention about me wanting to apply for something, the manager looked straight past me! I’m assuming she read me as female, which was awesome, of course. But I was a little annoyed by the assistant misgendering me.

Also, my own mom still uses the wrong pronouns and still calls me by my dead name, by accident though. And i’m still having to correct her all the time. -_-

There are one or two other gendering stories but they’re a part of the other stories, though.

 

So, something I have started up, live streaming on Twitch.tv. I’ve set this up so I can stream games, but I don’t have a PlayStation 4 just yet. Not to worry, i’ll stream my PC games, which I have done and will continue to do so. Already streamed playing Sonic 1& 2, The Sims 4, Skyrim and Civilization 5. Rumors have it that WWE 2K15 might be coming to PC is well, so if it does, I’m having that game on the PC, if not, PS4 instead (better save money!).

 

So, lost a friend (or two, maybe) and was the main reason why I stopped tweeting, though I stopped for nearly a whole week as a way to take time out of the social networking site and locked my account (or “Protect my tweet” as it’s called on the settings page). As I have stopped tweeting, I was at the same week, been going to a place to take my hospitality course. In the begining, there were two tests, and I passed them both on my first try (as nobody else had managed to do, as far as i’m aware of). Also, as i’m just now typing this bit friday evening, i’m happy to say that everybody there appears to know that i’m trans and the tutor knew the difference between sex and gender. This is totally awesome as it shows that trans awareness is working!! (also, I believe I may have passed the courses so I’ll have new certificates) ^_^

Anyway, back to the friend thing, What happend was I had notice I’d lost a follower, no real biggy, until I found out who. Alexa. This really shocked me as I had no solid idea why (though I think I know why), I was also very upset, felt like I’ve lost a friend and that really hurt me! Although I know she was going through tough times over a backlash over something she put up on her blog, I’ve felt it was unnecesary to unfollow me just because I may have made a bit of a joke about something else. I wasn’t trying to be mean or anything, and I simply can’t understand why she would say nothing about it (though, she had gone quiet, too quiet, for a few days).

 

Finally, trying to learn how to code. It’s a bit difficult but currently trying to build a website through HTML and CSS. I’ve tried this before so I know i’ll get through that eventually. But what I really want to learn, is C++. I have the software, and a guide book. I just need motivation now!!

 

So as i’m now closing this, I have just a few more things to add: I have a job interview monday (Yay!) and I’ve had my first (and 2nd 3rd 4th 5th etc.) visit to the ladies toilets at the course thingy (only because they didn’t have disabled toilets and I deffo didn’t want to go to the mens!!).

 

And that’s it. Wish me luck in my job hunting!! 🙂

 

(p.s. please check out my Amazon wishlist and…. buy me something? It’s my birthday next month, would like prezzies please.)

Father’s day only brings up bad memories for me.

Father’s Day: the day people either sends cards, or spend the day with thier father, doing whatever they do with them.

 

Not for me.

 

I’ve had bad experiences as a kid, before i was born my biological dad left me and mom with another woman who apparently was pregnant with another child of his. I never recieved anything from him either, not even a birthday or christmas card. Then a couple of years after my mom married another man who became my step-dad…… and my nightmare.

 

I was an innocent kid, doing anything that i liked, but this man took exception to me doing what i want, especially when i was learning the diffrences in genders and i started painting my nails with felt tips. He roughly dragged me to the bathroom and washed my nails in the sink, all while i was crying, i didn’t understand why he was being vicious, i was just being a 3 year old kid.

 

After that and other events, i lost confidence and self-esteem at my own home, i was scared to do anything, unless i did in secret, away from both parents eyes. I always hid in my own bedroom, only coming out on occasion and for dinner, then i’d be straight back upstairs. I still got abuse from time to time, but it was mostly psychological. He continued to catch me colouring my nails and even my face sometimes and he even called me sissy and girly (oh how true that was!), but he made it sound like i should be ashamed of myself, but i knew somewhere deep down i was female, just very afraid to be myself, because of him.

 

I believe, if i didn’t have that man as my step-father, i would’ve started transitioning at a much younger age.

 

So, father’s day is nothing but painful memories for me. Now days i don’t have a father to speak of. And i am sure i’m not the only one as there are others who had a really shit dad who treated them very poorly. Remember those people and me on a father’s day. There’s nothing for us to celebrate (doubly true if we don’t have kids of our own).

Strong feelings, work and annoyance with not hearing from the GIC and psychologists.

Lets start with what im feeling comfortable writing about first.

The first thing is calling, the gender clinic, THEY NEVER ANSWER THEIR PHONE!! X( Apperantly, they’ll only respond if you leave a message with your name and phone number. I HATE leaving messages! They don’t even (appear) to have an e-mail address! This isn’t the 19th centuary!

Next, psychologist, who i did manage to talk to. It was about voice therapy and that my GP wanted a letter from the shrink, i have no idea why though. But anyway, called her up last week and it turned out she hadn’t wrote it. -_-

 

Anyway, workplace. Sometimes im having a good time there, other times frustrating. This past saturday i was alone in one of the areas (upstairs) and working in the washroom on my own. Of course there were barstaff but i was the only bar support when normally there is two or three (three, too many, one, not enough). So i was working my arse off on my own most of the night with the occasional help with the other bar support staff from downstairs, but, i had soo much to do! And i after i finally finished when the club was closed, i came down and saw the others so relaxed, that got me a bit annoyed again as some of them are lazy bums on most nights anyway, with me running around like a lunatic.

 

Next, continuing with work but relationships, then relationships outside of work, i find talking about relationships difficult. I just feel guilty that i have any feelings for someone, even if they my friends… or not. which, *gulp*, im worried about typing on here, so i’ll just be as vague as possible.

 

Well, workplace relationships. It’s a little odd at times. Some people seem to want to know who i “like”, some people want to know how i tell someone i love them (i don’t, obviously), to how i would react to someone telling me they love me (laugh at them, if im not interested in them. I know, i can be cruel).

Anyway, i’ve made one friend, i think they’re my friend, at least. But anyway, i don’t entirely get some of the others, one of them reminds me of one of one of my cousin (eeerr!), some seems to want to stand close to me not doing anything while im working (why ARE they standing by me? Don’t they have something to do?!), some make strange high pitched noise and point at me (weird), and another slips up and calls me by my dead name (Grrrr. Asshole!).

Well, last bit next. Relationships (outside of work)…… I have strong feelings for someone, thats it, not much else to say really. :/

 

UPDATE: I no longer have an ask.fm account due to disinterest, i do, however, now have a go fund me account with a donation campign for laser hair removal. Link: http://www.gofundme.com/88mqzo

 

Thats it, hopefully i’ll get started on my speech therapy soon and hear from Charing Cross GIC soon too.

Until next time……. Sleep tight. 🙂