Being misgendered is really painful.

So, recently I have had work, wont name the company because what I’m writing haven’t got anything to do with them, but a few colleagues. Well, and myself, a bit, for not speaking up, but I’ll explain why.

So, for 3 days, I have been working at a racecourse, I won’t say where, but I was working in the kitchens away from punters eyes and around a lot of staff. Most of whom, was misgendering me, constantly.

And I couldn’t say anything. Even when I tried I got talked over and it made it harder for me to speak up. Like I had a mental block and they just kept on talking, making a presumtion that I was a hetero male who wants kids and get married. They absolutly were closed minded about who I was as an individual and making automatic assumtions and made it difficult for me to speak up and tell them I’m nothing of the sort in their head.

Eventually I did get to tell one of them that I am a girl, not a guy on the last day. Yet, I still got misgendered, even been referred to as a “gentlemen” by one of those guys. The second day, which was also the first day being around a certain group for 2 days, was the worst. I felt like absolute crap, constantly misgendered and had either an anxiety attack or maybe was feeling very dysphoric, as this was hugely triggering. I didn’t think I’d ever get misgendered so badly it would happen all day, for I thought that it couldn’t hapen now, after being on HRT for 3 years, but I guess my voice or the dreaded beard shadow gives people a different perception of who I am. It felt like a massive wake up call for me, as I was taking it for granted that people saw me as a woman, yet, I was proven wrong at a workplace environment.

 

After leaving work on the second day and after talking to my girlfriend Alice on the phone, I cried. I cried after getting home and being held by Alice. I hadn’t felt so pathetic and dismissive by strangers before in my life and it really hurt so, so badly. I’m glad that hellish 3 days is over.

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Second GIC appointment and walk around London

Yesterday was the day I had my second GIC appointment and started with some new changes.

Started my day arriving in london and made my way straight to Fulham Palace Road by the underground (subway). Went straight to a cafe to have breakfast and killed some time. Got to the GIC afterwards and went through some small admin stuff and went in when it was time to talk to the person who I was seeing.

She started off talking about things that I had already talked about in a previous meeting, but more stuff came out that made me feel uncomfortable. Also informed them that I was moving soon to my girlfriends up in yorkshire and they have said that they will try and get me transfered to the Sheffield GIC for my follow ups.

They had “warned” me that if I kept on taking spiro and/or cypro, that I would start coughing up blood and start dying from the stuff. And that I won’t get GRS or anything presribed to me if I kept on self medding. Basically heavy duty gatekeeping me, threatening me and generally bullying me and still trying to appear friendly. Plus, they were also like, “well, we’re just going by some guidelines by the______” (can’t remember who they said the guidelines they were following)

This has given a bit of a mixed feelings and worries like the possibility of many changes, mostly internally, would revert back tomore male-ness, like morning woods (eugh), manly thinking (worse eugh) and other things (that I can’t think of, but still, eugh!!!).

They said to me though “what changes”, as like, nothing would revert back if all I’m taking is finastride and 2mg estrogen. But I’m worried my T levels will spike back up and simply taking low dosage of E isn’t going to stop or block off my natural T, but increase it instead.

After that was all said and done, I left and headed to the main Charing Cross hospital, where I had a lot of blood taken out of me (about 6 or 7 capsules) to check on various things. It would not surprise me if everything came out ok.

After that, I went to the cafe I was at earlier to wait for Evelyn to arrive, as we had already planned to chill out with each other. Which we did, but we often got lost but found our way again until the time came when I had to rush myself to the coach station and jump on board my coach before it departed.

I am now trying to only take one estrogen and finnastride tablets and I hope I’ll be ok, but I’m unsure that I will be, as I believe it’s a dangerous and terrible idea not to be taking any T blockers, as I’ve already said why above.

Don’t ask me if I had “the operation” and don’t call me “sir”!

Today I was at the charity shop that the lovely (sarcasm) Seetec and Jobcenter had sent me too. I’m on my second Friday out of 4 fridays there, and transphobia and misgendering happend.

Starting off first with some woman who I believe has MH issues, was trying to joke with me about “men wearing dresses”, I then stamered trying to tell her that it’s not ok to say things like that. Earlier she keeps on interupting me trying to have a chat with the lovely manager is well a couple of times which naturally I was a little annoyed about, but I digress.

Later on I was sitting by the till with another volutare and the inevitable happend.

“Have you had the operation yet?”

The ultimate thing a cis person can ask a trans person that makes the recipient feel very uncomfortable makes one wonder if this person who asks this has any boundries at all.

I tried to tell them that it’s not ok to ask that but as usual with cis people, they try to make an excuse. Their’s were “but there was this man on TV who…..” *brain switched off*

Yeah, very uncomfortable. It made me wonder why I had ever talked to this person.

Lastly, someone tried to call my phone up many times, only for them or me by accident, hung up. Well I managed to answer this one time and it was someone from my mobile phone operator. They were trying to get me topossibly part some cash a month on some new plan with a new sim card, all the while calling me “sir” even after I told them my name! AAAARRRRRGHHH!!!

You can bet i’m not going to take up their offer!

If these things in the charity shop happen again, I shall talk to the lovely manager (and she is very lovely) about what is happening, because I won’t put up with this crap! And neither should any other trans person who has or will be put in the same position as I have!

Self harming as a child and being bullied/abused.

Trigger Warning: descriptions of self harming and bullying/abuse in this post.

I have recently been around my sisters again and got a little drunk with her and mom and eating BBQ food, cooked on small cheap BBQ trays. The topic came to me being trans and then my childhood. And my sister had described some things that had happend that, some I don’t remember and some I did. Even mother don’t remeber some of the things that had happend and even, at the time, didn’t think much of it! (the abuse I reiceived)

So I’m going to describe what I had been told and use what little memory of certain things that had happend to me.

Firstly, I’m going to add a little, slightly irrelevant fact, I used to bite my nails for many years. I had bitten my nails so far back, it hurt. But this wasn’t that bad compared to what I did to myself when I was younger, around when I was a toddler or slightly older, not entirely sure when this happend.

So I had as a child at one point, picked one or both of my nipples so much. Apparently I thought it was a scab! I don’t know why I did that but I also do remember picking my fingers a lot and various wounds that I was always bleeding from them.

Now, I couldn’t remember why I was intent on ruining my body, but it could have been something to do with my early desire, early feelings of having the wrong body or being treated as the wrong gender at the time and wishing, literally praying, to wake up the next day with a female body (or, silly enough, have two tails just like the sonic the hedgehog character, Tails. Just so I could fly out of there).

Or the other reason I was self harming at such a young age could be the abuse/bullying of my (former) stepdad. I was also reminded by my sister what he did to me. I was forced to eat my dinner/breakfast/etc behind (to the side) of the TV. Whenever I peeked at the TV, he would throw a cushion at my head. He also had an attidude problem towards both of my sisters too. My sister whom I’m talking about now, tried to defend me and having an argument with him about his treatment towards me. Also, he was the kind of guy who thinks his word is law, and also he revealed in abusing cats and sometimes other people. He was a horrible man, not just to me but to others too. He did have/do some good qualities, but the bad he done always undid everything good he did.

Now, this much and more is what I was told plus my own memories point towards a combination of reasons why I was self harming at such a young age, this is something everyone should keep an eye on current and future children as they could be self harming for any kind of reason. Bullying, gender problems, abuse from step parents or other family memebers etc. If you or someone else notice these signs, an adult person should sit down with this child and talk to them and believe every word they say, because brushing anything they say aside will not help! Some kids, like I was at that one point, needs to be listend to and taken seriously! Nothing is more important than a childs happyness, more important then yours, an adult, because a happy child is one who will have a happy adult life and who wouldn’t want a happy, balanced adult life of more smiles and personal achivements these kids could look forward to down the road?

New location for the Serana Beta Podcasts

Due to the extreme limitations of Soundcloud, I will no longer upload my podcasts on there. However I have found a new, better place for my podcasts, PodOmatic. All 3 episodes that has been created are already available on there.  (There’s also a paypal donate button on there too, if you would like to donate through that instead of donating monthly on my Patreon.)

Hopefully I will have a guest on next weeks episode, so I hope you’ll be there for the next podcast, next Saturday. x