Self harming as a child and being bullied/abused.

Trigger Warning: descriptions of self harming and bullying/abuse in this post.

I have recently been around my sisters again and got a little drunk with her and mom and eating BBQ food, cooked on small cheap BBQ trays. The topic came to me being trans and then my childhood. And my sister had described some things that had happend that, some I don’t remember and some I did. Even mother don’t remeber some of the things that had happend and even, at the time, didn’t think much of it! (the abuse I reiceived)

So I’m going to describe what I had been told and use what little memory of certain things that had happend to me.

Firstly, I’m going to add a little, slightly irrelevant fact, I used to bite my nails for many years. I had bitten my nails so far back, it hurt. But this wasn’t that bad compared to what I did to myself when I was younger, around when I was a toddler or slightly older, not entirely sure when this happend.

So I had as a child at one point, picked one or both of my nipples so much. Apparently I thought it was a scab! I don’t know why I did that but I also do remember picking my fingers a lot and various wounds that I was always bleeding from them.

Now, I couldn’t remember why I was intent on ruining my body, but it could have been something to do with my early desire, early feelings of having the wrong body or being treated as the wrong gender at the time and wishing, literally praying, to wake up the next day with a female body (or, silly enough, have two tails just like the sonic the hedgehog character, Tails. Just so I could fly out of there).

Or the other reason I was self harming at such a young age could be the abuse/bullying of my (former) stepdad. I was also reminded by my sister what he did to me. I was forced to eat my dinner/breakfast/etc behind (to the side) of the TV. Whenever I peeked at the TV, he would throw a cushion at my head. He also had an attidude problem towards both of my sisters too. My sister whom I’m talking about now, tried to defend me and having an argument with him about his treatment towards me. Also, he was the kind of guy who thinks his word is law, and also he revealed in abusing cats and sometimes other people. He was a horrible man, not just to me but to others too. He did have/do some good qualities, but the bad he done always undid everything good he did.

Now, this much and more is what I was told plus my own memories point towards a combination of reasons why I was self harming at such a young age, this is something everyone should keep an eye on current and future children as they could be self harming for any kind of reason. Bullying, gender problems, abuse from step parents or other family memebers etc. If you or someone else notice these signs, an adult person should sit down with this child and talk to them and believe every word they say, because brushing anything they say aside will not help! Some kids, like I was at that one point, needs to be listend to and taken seriously! Nothing is more important than a childs happyness, more important then yours, an adult, because a happy child is one who will have a happy adult life and who wouldn’t want a happy, balanced adult life of more smiles and personal achivements these kids could look forward to down the road?

Rainbow flag and pride isn’t for the straight, cis people!

Recently around the time of the ruling in america that all 50 states should be allowing same sex marriage and pride event in Londond plus otehr parts of the world, me and others within  teh LGBTQIA+ community has witness many cishets changing their Facebook and Twitter profile pics/avatars to the rainbow LGBTQIA+ pride flag.

This is a problem for these reasons.

That for millennials, all cishets have never been oppressed just for being Cis and heterosexual.

LGBTQIA+ has been opprssed by cishets for many decades and for transgender and intersex people, been murdered in cold blood becuase they’re trans and/or intersex.

All LGBTQIA+ People have for some decades been seen as being gross, disgusting, unnatural etc.

So, the rainbow flag that’s supposed to represent all of us that are different to cishets because of gender pressentation and sexuality came around because we felt like we needed to stand up for ourselves and look out for one another and fight for our right to live as ourselves and to lead as normal a life as possible without persecution. Cis and heterosexuals, this flag isn’t for you, it’s for us who have been oppressed by you for centuries! Stop waving our flags and stop using them in your online profile pics!!

New location for the Serana Beta Podcasts

Due to the extreme limitations of Soundcloud, I will no longer upload my podcasts on there. However I have found a new, better place for my podcasts, PodOmatic. All 3 episodes that has been created are already available on there.  (There’s also a paypal donate button on there too, if you would like to donate through that instead of donating monthly on my Patreon.)

Hopefully I will have a guest on next weeks episode, so I hope you’ll be there for the next podcast, next Saturday. x

“Passing” and why it’s bollocks.

I don’t “Pass” as a female, and I don’t want too.

I’m trans and I don’t want to run away from the fact, I’ve spent too long in my life pretending to be a boy, but I don’t want to pretend that never happend, that I didn’t live my life as a boy. I did, reluctantly, lived like that even knowing that I was very uncomfortable looking like, addressed as and seen as male. But, that’s a part of my life story and trying to “pass” as female would be like trying to erase 20+ years of me being something else. Something I didn’t like, but still lived with it. Most trans people can’t live with that knowledge or being that gender they never was right now or in the past and that’s fine. But it’s why I don’t want to “pass” for a woman just to look ike a cis woman, I’m not, i’m trans and I’m not ashamed of the fact.

For trans people, to “pass” as female or male in society, means they’re accepted as that binary gender. But for many of us, it’s absolute crap, as it’s quite damaging to a trans persons confidence and self esteem to be told by a cis person that “you don’t pass for a man/woman”. It’s an absolute shit thing to tell a trans person and totally unecessary as some cis people may, by no fault of their own, look like the opposite gender! Also, for a lot of trans people, they have to “pass” to feel safe in many countries that are hostile to trans people, especially trans people of colour. That’s really quite sad, isn’t it? For many trans activists, trying to make society be more open to trans people is the top priority, but it is and has been a tough mountain to climb. Recently, Pink News recently put out a story that trans acceptance (or support) is on the rise in america, despite there still being many deaths of trans people, especially trans woman of colour, because many people still don’t accept trans people!

For the Non-binary, agender etc. trans people, they don’t want to “pass” as, or be, either male or female, and being told they “pass” as one or the other is also damaging to their self esteem and general confidence.

For me, as I already said, I don’t “pass” and I don’t want to. I don’t want to wear make-up everyday, I don’t want to always wear typically girly clothes. I still have facial hair and hair on my torso that I shave regularly out of disgust, not to “pass”. I like presenting androgynous but I don’t call myself gender queer or non-binary or whatever. I am female and I can wear whatever I want and if I don’t “pass”, fine. I don’t care what others ultimatly think about my choices in clothes, but I like showing off my new T-shirt or tank top or skirt, but I am who I am and other trans people are what they are. We don’t really care about passing as we’re not here to please the cis peoples ideas and viewpoints of what a trans woman or man should look like. I don’t do and wear to feel safe, I do and wear to make myself feel comfortable in my own skin and it’s the same for many trans people, wether they also do it to feel safe or not.

So basically, we don’t dress to appeal anyones idea of what a binary man or woman should look like. We just want to feel comfortable in our own skin. That s all. Everyone should respect that.

For my other works, I have a twitter account, a podcast, which has new episodes every Saturday morning, and a Patreon if you would like to support me monthly to keep me creating new content.

Thank you for reading this. x

Norwich Gaming Fest.

For the past week, there have been an event in my home town of Norwich at the Forum called the Norwich Gaming Fest.

I unfortuantly didn’t attend but have had a quick look whle I went to the forum shortly back on Thursday. First thing I noticed was a number of tables in a row with vintage gaming systems, from the Atari through to the original playstation and behind that was a display showing a gaming timeline. I didn’t read this timeline but what I saw that were playing on a number of systems were: Super mario brothers 3 on a Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) and a 3-in-1 collection  on the Sega Megadrive/Genesis where I identified two of the three games. Sonic The Hedgehog and Columns. I couldn’t see or tell what were on the other gaming systems however.

On Saturday, I was going to go to the event but didn’t, however, I did watch the live stream of a talk put on by Laura Kate Dale (Destructoid Editor and founder of Indie Haven). She Was talking about how to get into gaming journalism. The video recording of this talk isn’t available for the next 1 to 2 weeks (Unfortunatly, would love to watch it all again).

Hopefully next year I’ll get my butt in gear and go to this event. Meanwhile, I’m just going to regret a little bit on missing out.