Self harming as a child and being bullied/abused.

Trigger Warning: descriptions of self harming and bullying/abuse in this post.

I have recently been around my sisters again and got a little drunk with her and mom and eating BBQ food, cooked on small cheap BBQ trays. The topic came to me being trans and then my childhood. And my sister had described some things that had happend that, some I don’t remember and some I did. Even mother don’t remeber some of the things that had happend and even, at the time, didn’t think much of it! (the abuse I reiceived)

So I’m going to describe what I had been told and use what little memory of certain things that had happend to me.

Firstly, I’m going to add a little, slightly irrelevant fact, I used to bite my nails for many years. I had bitten my nails so far back, it hurt. But this wasn’t that bad compared to what I did to myself when I was younger, around when I was a toddler or slightly older, not entirely sure when this happend.

So I had as a child at one point, picked one or both of my nipples so much. Apparently I thought it was a scab! I don’t know why I did that but I also do remember picking my fingers a lot and various wounds that I was always bleeding from them.

Now, I couldn’t remember why I was intent on ruining my body, but it could have been something to do with my early desire, early feelings of having the wrong body or being treated as the wrong gender at the time and wishing, literally praying, to wake up the next day with a female body (or, silly enough, have two tails just like the sonic the hedgehog character, Tails. Just so I could fly out of there).

Or the other reason I was self harming at such a young age could be the abuse/bullying of my (former) stepdad. I was also reminded by my sister what he did to me. I was forced to eat my dinner/breakfast/etc behind (to the side) of the TV. Whenever I peeked at the TV, he would throw a cushion at my head. He also had an attidude problem towards both of my sisters too. My sister whom I’m talking about now, tried to defend me and having an argument with him about his treatment towards me. Also, he was the kind of guy who thinks his word is law, and also he revealed in abusing cats and sometimes other people. He was a horrible man, not just to me but to others too. He did have/do some good qualities, but the bad he done always undid everything good he did.

Now, this much and more is what I was told plus my own memories point towards a combination of reasons why I was self harming at such a young age, this is something everyone should keep an eye on current and future children as they could be self harming for any kind of reason. Bullying, gender problems, abuse from step parents or other family memebers etc. If you or someone else notice these signs, an adult person should sit down with this child and talk to them and believe every word they say, because brushing anything they say aside will not help! Some kids, like I was at that one point, needs to be listend to and taken seriously! Nothing is more important than a childs happyness, more important then yours, an adult, because a happy child is one who will have a happy adult life and who wouldn’t want a happy, balanced adult life of more smiles and personal achivements these kids could look forward to down the road?

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Father’s day only brings up bad memories for me.

Father’s Day: the day people either sends cards, or spend the day with thier father, doing whatever they do with them.

 

Not for me.

 

I’ve had bad experiences as a kid, before i was born my biological dad left me and mom with another woman who apparently was pregnant with another child of his. I never recieved anything from him either, not even a birthday or christmas card. Then a couple of years after my mom married another man who became my step-dad…… and my nightmare.

 

I was an innocent kid, doing anything that i liked, but this man took exception to me doing what i want, especially when i was learning the diffrences in genders and i started painting my nails with felt tips. He roughly dragged me to the bathroom and washed my nails in the sink, all while i was crying, i didn’t understand why he was being vicious, i was just being a 3 year old kid.

 

After that and other events, i lost confidence and self-esteem at my own home, i was scared to do anything, unless i did in secret, away from both parents eyes. I always hid in my own bedroom, only coming out on occasion and for dinner, then i’d be straight back upstairs. I still got abuse from time to time, but it was mostly psychological. He continued to catch me colouring my nails and even my face sometimes and he even called me sissy and girly (oh how true that was!), but he made it sound like i should be ashamed of myself, but i knew somewhere deep down i was female, just very afraid to be myself, because of him.

 

I believe, if i didn’t have that man as my step-father, i would’ve started transitioning at a much younger age.

 

So, father’s day is nothing but painful memories for me. Now days i don’t have a father to speak of. And i am sure i’m not the only one as there are others who had a really shit dad who treated them very poorly. Remember those people and me on a father’s day. There’s nothing for us to celebrate (doubly true if we don’t have kids of our own).