Being misgendered is really painful.

So, recently I have had work, wont name the company because what I’m writing haven’t got anything to do with them, but a few colleagues. Well, and myself, a bit, for not speaking up, but I’ll explain why.

So, for 3 days, I have been working at a racecourse, I won’t say where, but I was working in the kitchens away from punters eyes and around a lot of staff. Most of whom, was misgendering me, constantly.

And I couldn’t say anything. Even when I tried I got talked over and it made it harder for me to speak up. Like I had a mental block and they just kept on talking, making a presumtion that I was a hetero male who wants kids and get married. They absolutly were closed minded about who I was as an individual and making automatic assumtions and made it difficult for me to speak up and tell them I’m nothing of the sort in their head.

Eventually I did get to tell one of them that I am a girl, not a guy on the last day. Yet, I still got misgendered, even been referred to as a “gentlemen” by one of those guys. The second day, which was also the first day being around a certain group for 2 days, was the worst. I felt like absolute crap, constantly misgendered and had either an anxiety attack or maybe was feeling very dysphoric, as this was hugely triggering. I didn’t think I’d ever get misgendered so badly it would happen all day, for I thought that it couldn’t hapen now, after being on HRT for 3 years, but I guess my voice or the dreaded beard shadow gives people a different perception of who I am. It felt like a massive wake up call for me, as I was taking it for granted that people saw me as a woman, yet, I was proven wrong at a workplace environment.

 

After leaving work on the second day and after talking to my girlfriend Alice on the phone, I cried. I cried after getting home and being held by Alice. I hadn’t felt so pathetic and dismissive by strangers before in my life and it really hurt so, so badly. I’m glad that hellish 3 days is over.

Changes

I love when things change naturally. When I’m not forcing myself or something else to change and let things evolve.

My last (nearly) 3 years of transitioning…. evolving…. has brough a lot of natual changes.

One of these being my move from the nest of my hometown to a near 3 hour drive up north to be with my girlfriend whom I adore and love so much. We may have difficult times together, but through love and understanding, we come to love each other more and more.

Another change is discovering new things within hobbies and fandom. Like discovering new favourites in wrestling and videogames. Right now while typing this I’m watching NJPW (New Japan Pro Wrestling) Wrestle Kingdom 10 and seeing old and new faces in wrestling that I wouldn’t see watching WWE and TNA all the Time.

Another change is Jobs. Currently looking for a new one since leaving last job after all my contracted days were up 2 weeks ago.

 

I’m now looking forward to what 2016 will bring in terms of my personal changes and evolving! xox

Second GIC appointment and walk around London

Yesterday was the day I had my second GIC appointment and started with some new changes.

Started my day arriving in london and made my way straight to Fulham Palace Road by the underground (subway). Went straight to a cafe to have breakfast and killed some time. Got to the GIC afterwards and went through some small admin stuff and went in when it was time to talk to the person who I was seeing.

She started off talking about things that I had already talked about in a previous meeting, but more stuff came out that made me feel uncomfortable. Also informed them that I was moving soon to my girlfriends up in yorkshire and they have said that they will try and get me transfered to the Sheffield GIC for my follow ups.

They had “warned” me that if I kept on taking spiro and/or cypro, that I would start coughing up blood and start dying from the stuff. And that I won’t get GRS or anything presribed to me if I kept on self medding. Basically heavy duty gatekeeping me, threatening me and generally bullying me and still trying to appear friendly. Plus, they were also like, “well, we’re just going by some guidelines by the______” (can’t remember who they said the guidelines they were following)

This has given a bit of a mixed feelings and worries like the possibility of many changes, mostly internally, would revert back tomore male-ness, like morning woods (eugh), manly thinking (worse eugh) and other things (that I can’t think of, but still, eugh!!!).

They said to me though “what changes”, as like, nothing would revert back if all I’m taking is finastride and 2mg estrogen. But I’m worried my T levels will spike back up and simply taking low dosage of E isn’t going to stop or block off my natural T, but increase it instead.

After that was all said and done, I left and headed to the main Charing Cross hospital, where I had a lot of blood taken out of me (about 6 or 7 capsules) to check on various things. It would not surprise me if everything came out ok.

After that, I went to the cafe I was at earlier to wait for Evelyn to arrive, as we had already planned to chill out with each other. Which we did, but we often got lost but found our way again until the time came when I had to rush myself to the coach station and jump on board my coach before it departed.

I am now trying to only take one estrogen and finnastride tablets and I hope I’ll be ok, but I’m unsure that I will be, as I believe it’s a dangerous and terrible idea not to be taking any T blockers, as I’ve already said why above.