Being misgendered is really painful.

So, recently I have had work, wont name the company because what I’m writing haven’t got anything to do with them, but a few colleagues. Well, and myself, a bit, for not speaking up, but I’ll explain why.

So, for 3 days, I have been working at a racecourse, I won’t say where, but I was working in the kitchens away from punters eyes and around a lot of staff. Most of whom, was misgendering me, constantly.

And I couldn’t say anything. Even when I tried I got talked over and it made it harder for me to speak up. Like I had a mental block and they just kept on talking, making a presumtion that I was a hetero male who wants kids and get married. They absolutly were closed minded about who I was as an individual and making automatic assumtions and made it difficult for me to speak up and tell them I’m nothing of the sort in their head.

Eventually I did get to tell one of them that I am a girl, not a guy on the last day. Yet, I still got misgendered, even been referred to as a “gentlemen” by one of those guys. The second day, which was also the first day being around a certain group for 2 days, was the worst. I felt like absolute crap, constantly misgendered and had either an anxiety attack or maybe was feeling very dysphoric, as this was hugely triggering. I didn’t think I’d ever get misgendered so badly it would happen all day, for I thought that it couldn’t hapen now, after being on HRT for 3 years, but I guess my voice or the dreaded beard shadow gives people a different perception of who I am. It felt like a massive wake up call for me, as I was taking it for granted that people saw me as a woman, yet, I was proven wrong at a workplace environment.

 

After leaving work on the second day and after talking to my girlfriend Alice on the phone, I cried. I cried after getting home and being held by Alice. I hadn’t felt so pathetic and dismissive by strangers before in my life and it really hurt so, so badly. I’m glad that hellish 3 days is over.

Second GIC appointment and walk around London

Yesterday was the day I had my second GIC appointment and started with some new changes.

Started my day arriving in london and made my way straight to Fulham Palace Road by the underground (subway). Went straight to a cafe to have breakfast and killed some time. Got to the GIC afterwards and went through some small admin stuff and went in when it was time to talk to the person who I was seeing.

She started off talking about things that I had already talked about in a previous meeting, but more stuff came out that made me feel uncomfortable. Also informed them that I was moving soon to my girlfriends up in yorkshire and they have said that they will try and get me transfered to the Sheffield GIC for my follow ups.

They had “warned” me that if I kept on taking spiro and/or cypro, that I would start coughing up blood and start dying from the stuff. And that I won’t get GRS or anything presribed to me if I kept on self medding. Basically heavy duty gatekeeping me, threatening me and generally bullying me and still trying to appear friendly. Plus, they were also like, “well, we’re just going by some guidelines by the______” (can’t remember who they said the guidelines they were following)

This has given a bit of a mixed feelings and worries like the possibility of many changes, mostly internally, would revert back tomore male-ness, like morning woods (eugh), manly thinking (worse eugh) and other things (that I can’t think of, but still, eugh!!!).

They said to me though “what changes”, as like, nothing would revert back if all I’m taking is finastride and 2mg estrogen. But I’m worried my T levels will spike back up and simply taking low dosage of E isn’t going to stop or block off my natural T, but increase it instead.

After that was all said and done, I left and headed to the main Charing Cross hospital, where I had a lot of blood taken out of me (about 6 or 7 capsules) to check on various things. It would not surprise me if everything came out ok.

After that, I went to the cafe I was at earlier to wait for Evelyn to arrive, as we had already planned to chill out with each other. Which we did, but we often got lost but found our way again until the time came when I had to rush myself to the coach station and jump on board my coach before it departed.

I am now trying to only take one estrogen and finnastride tablets and I hope I’ll be ok, but I’m unsure that I will be, as I believe it’s a dangerous and terrible idea not to be taking any T blockers, as I’ve already said why above.

Self harming as a child and being bullied/abused.

Trigger Warning: descriptions of self harming and bullying/abuse in this post.

I have recently been around my sisters again and got a little drunk with her and mom and eating BBQ food, cooked on small cheap BBQ trays. The topic came to me being trans and then my childhood. And my sister had described some things that had happend that, some I don’t remember and some I did. Even mother don’t remeber some of the things that had happend and even, at the time, didn’t think much of it! (the abuse I reiceived)

So I’m going to describe what I had been told and use what little memory of certain things that had happend to me.

Firstly, I’m going to add a little, slightly irrelevant fact, I used to bite my nails for many years. I had bitten my nails so far back, it hurt. But this wasn’t that bad compared to what I did to myself when I was younger, around when I was a toddler or slightly older, not entirely sure when this happend.

So I had as a child at one point, picked one or both of my nipples so much. Apparently I thought it was a scab! I don’t know why I did that but I also do remember picking my fingers a lot and various wounds that I was always bleeding from them.

Now, I couldn’t remember why I was intent on ruining my body, but it could have been something to do with my early desire, early feelings of having the wrong body or being treated as the wrong gender at the time and wishing, literally praying, to wake up the next day with a female body (or, silly enough, have two tails just like the sonic the hedgehog character, Tails. Just so I could fly out of there).

Or the other reason I was self harming at such a young age could be the abuse/bullying of my (former) stepdad. I was also reminded by my sister what he did to me. I was forced to eat my dinner/breakfast/etc behind (to the side) of the TV. Whenever I peeked at the TV, he would throw a cushion at my head. He also had an attidude problem towards both of my sisters too. My sister whom I’m talking about now, tried to defend me and having an argument with him about his treatment towards me. Also, he was the kind of guy who thinks his word is law, and also he revealed in abusing cats and sometimes other people. He was a horrible man, not just to me but to others too. He did have/do some good qualities, but the bad he done always undid everything good he did.

Now, this much and more is what I was told plus my own memories point towards a combination of reasons why I was self harming at such a young age, this is something everyone should keep an eye on current and future children as they could be self harming for any kind of reason. Bullying, gender problems, abuse from step parents or other family memebers etc. If you or someone else notice these signs, an adult person should sit down with this child and talk to them and believe every word they say, because brushing anything they say aside will not help! Some kids, like I was at that one point, needs to be listend to and taken seriously! Nothing is more important than a childs happyness, more important then yours, an adult, because a happy child is one who will have a happy adult life and who wouldn’t want a happy, balanced adult life of more smiles and personal achivements these kids could look forward to down the road?

“Passing” and why it’s bollocks.

I don’t “Pass” as a female, and I don’t want too.

I’m trans and I don’t want to run away from the fact, I’ve spent too long in my life pretending to be a boy, but I don’t want to pretend that never happend, that I didn’t live my life as a boy. I did, reluctantly, lived like that even knowing that I was very uncomfortable looking like, addressed as and seen as male. But, that’s a part of my life story and trying to “pass” as female would be like trying to erase 20+ years of me being something else. Something I didn’t like, but still lived with it. Most trans people can’t live with that knowledge or being that gender they never was right now or in the past and that’s fine. But it’s why I don’t want to “pass” for a woman just to look ike a cis woman, I’m not, i’m trans and I’m not ashamed of the fact.

For trans people, to “pass” as female or male in society, means they’re accepted as that binary gender. But for many of us, it’s absolute crap, as it’s quite damaging to a trans persons confidence and self esteem to be told by a cis person that “you don’t pass for a man/woman”. It’s an absolute shit thing to tell a trans person and totally unecessary as some cis people may, by no fault of their own, look like the opposite gender! Also, for a lot of trans people, they have to “pass” to feel safe in many countries that are hostile to trans people, especially trans people of colour. That’s really quite sad, isn’t it? For many trans activists, trying to make society be more open to trans people is the top priority, but it is and has been a tough mountain to climb. Recently, Pink News recently put out a story that trans acceptance (or support) is on the rise in america, despite there still being many deaths of trans people, especially trans woman of colour, because many people still don’t accept trans people!

For the Non-binary, agender etc. trans people, they don’t want to “pass” as, or be, either male or female, and being told they “pass” as one or the other is also damaging to their self esteem and general confidence.

For me, as I already said, I don’t “pass” and I don’t want to. I don’t want to wear make-up everyday, I don’t want to always wear typically girly clothes. I still have facial hair and hair on my torso that I shave regularly out of disgust, not to “pass”. I like presenting¬†androgynous but I don’t call myself gender queer or non-binary or whatever. I am female and I can wear whatever I want and if I don’t “pass”, fine. I don’t care what others ultimatly think about my choices in clothes, but I like showing off my new T-shirt or tank top or skirt, but I am who I am and other trans people are what they are. We don’t really care about passing as we’re not here to please the cis peoples ideas and viewpoints of what a trans woman or man should look like. I don’t do and wear to feel safe, I do and wear to make myself feel comfortable in my own skin and it’s the same for many trans people, wether they also do it to feel safe or not.

So basically, we don’t dress to appeal anyones idea of what a binary man or woman should look like. We just want to feel comfortable in our own skin. That s all. Everyone should respect that.

For my other works, I have a twitter account, a podcast, which has new episodes every Saturday morning, and a Patreon if you would like to support me monthly to keep me creating new content.

Thank you for reading this. x

My day in London and at the GIC.

Hiya.

So yesterday I was at London for my first GIC appointment and it has gone well.

So, the first thing I did yesterday was to get up, have sandwich and tea, feed the cat and made sure I had everything plus put my make-up on and walked all the way to the bus station and just as I showed up, the coached showed up at the same time. Awesome. On one of the stops, my companion, an older transwoman, came on. She was going to accompany me and help me find my way to the GIC building, which was much needed as this is (of course) my first time going there.

So as we got to London Victoria coach station, the first order of business was to get an oyster card. It was ¬£5 deposit for the card…. blimey! Then once I got that we head to the bus stop to get on the number 211 bus and head to the clinic.

At the clinic, I was waiting for my turn and I nearly dozed off. But any, got to see the doctor…. psychologist…. whatever, and got what I wanted. To possibly get funding for Laser Hair Removal (He said 8 sessions, which I didn’t expect, tbh.), hormones (prescription), which might get to start after my next GIC appointment and, maybe, GRS…. If I do want it (I’m leaning towards that I do want GRS…. but not entirely sure). He seemed pleased with the evidence of me doing stuff like volunatry stuff with the Pink Panthers Movement International Trans Chapter and me appearing on the local news for the trans booklet back on TDoR.

After that, went to the main Charing Cross hospital building to get my blood taken then went to the resturant for food. went back to the GIC because I forgot about travel expenses, didn’t have proof of me being on JSA…. Doh!

And walked around a bit (a few hours almost). Had a sausage roll and later chips and chicken burger then waited at the Coach Station for the coach home.

Got home, made me feel very grateful to be living in Norfolk, it’s very polluted down there in London. I’m deffo not going back until my next appointment (In June)!